Since my last Project eHarm post, you might be wondering if my social calendar has become completely booked with guys from eHarm just dying to go out with me. Perhaps, you might even think that I have run off with some handsome-squared jawed-Ed Burns-look-a-like. I am writing this post not from a yacht on the French riviera with my new beau. Instead, as usual, I'm at home wearing my paint stained T-shirt with a picture of a Liger on it I got from my sister for Christmas. Shocking. I know.
As you could guess, I do not have much to report. I was "communicating" with this guy and we got to the stage where you could ask each other 3 of your own questions. The questions I asked were:
Why did you decide to join eHarm? How are you liking this experience so far?
What do you hope to get out of eHarm?
Who are your favorite bands and artists?
Ok, so my questions suck -- except for maybe that last question. I knew I had to respond to him soon because according to the unwritten eHarm rules, you should respond within a reasonable time or they'll think you are not interested. That's the best I could come up with at the time. I don't think he was impressed with my questions because he hasn't responded.
The next time I "communicate" with someone, I guess I will have to come up with more thought-provoking questions. I will, though, keep the last one. To me, the type of music one listens to, is a good indication if it will work between us. He doesn't have to like the same type of music as I do, but if someone were to list Celine Dione, Limp Bizkit, Daughtry or Creed as his favorite band or artist, I can tell you right off the bat, it will never work between us.
At this point, eHarm is starting to feel like a chore. I hate chores. I don't log on often and I apparently have 80 "matches" in my profile. I don't know if I should be flattered that eHarm thinks that I am that matchable, or depressed that out of 80 guys, only two have requested communication -- one of which says that he is passionate about astrology, studying extrasolar planets and cats.
I heard a comedian once say that men who love cats are either gay or are villains (think Inspector Gadget's Dr. Claw). I do not know if there is any truth to this, but I believe it. Then again, I can be easily manipulated by funny men.
I've had about 20 or so "matches" but I have not yet checked them all out. The way eHarm works is that if someone wants to talk to you, you can do the first level of communication they call "Guided Communication." By "guided" they mean you have to select a set of prescribed questions along with a set of answers. However, you can choose to skip that and directly email someone.
Apparently, I had made a mistake and assumed too much of the people on eHarm. I skipped the first step and I directly emailed someone. First of all, I did this because I do not like the idea of having eHarm deciding for me what questions to ask. I didn't like them forcing me to choose only ten traits of "must haves" and "can't stands" (as stated in my previous post), I sure as heck don't like them telling me what questions to ask someone I want to get to know better! Second, I wanted to ask him a specific question about the last book he read, Cat's Cradle.
My email went something like this:
"Hi there, using whatever "science" eHarmony employs, they have decided we would get along. I'm new to eHarm and not sure what the protocol is for communicating with someone. Plus, I wanted to ask you about the last book you read which is on my current summer reading list. Are you a big fan of Vonnegut? Have you read any other of his books? I know several people who really enjoy his writing."
I later got an email from eHarm telling me that this guy, I'll call "A," has made a decision about my communication request. I click on the link and it took me to Step 1 of the communication process. I'm guessing he wants me to pick a set of the pre-written questions to send to him rather than actually having to provide a real answer to my question. I haven't sent him a set of questions and so far, he hasn't "closed me out" but I think I should close him out.
I have gotten a request from this other guy, "J" and he said he loves being physically fit, stand-up paddle boarding, kayaking, surfing and doing triathalons. I'm guessing he didn't read my profile because on the part that asks what I'm passionate about, I started off saying, "I wish I could say I was passionate about health and fitness, unfortunately, that passion has eluded me." I then go on talking about being passionate to help poor children or something to that effect.
With some reservation, I did answer his set of questions. One of them asked where I saw myself living in 15 years. I had a difficult time with this question because at this point in my life, I really cannot think that far ahead. Another question was how many kids I want to have. Is it just me, or are these types of questions odd to ask someone who you just "met?"
The process of meeting people on eHarm and the way people communicate through its service is very unnatural to me. As someone who studied journalism in college and having worked in media and politics, I think I'm pretty good at talking to strangers and having conversations with people I just met. I can talk up a storm and I know this because throughout my life, my family has repeatedly told me that I talk way too much. I can talk pretty much about anything. That's because I can pretend to be interested and ask questions. "So, what do you think the probabilities are on a 20 sided dice?" You see how I just pretended to be interested in Dungeons and Dragons and math all the same time?
So, being the way that I am, I am finding that eHarm's process is much too rigid for me. However, I believe that there are people out there who will love eHarm-- particularly people who are regimented and may not always find it easy to find things to talk about when first meeting someone. These are not bad qualities by any means. I find that these type of people are wonderful once you have passed the awkwardness of being strangers.
P.S. Please do not let my blog discourage you from giving eHarm a try if you are considering it. Just because I find it weird and sometimes annoying, that might not be the case for you. After all, I am weird and sometimes annoying (and also stubborn).
P.P.S. I have done some self evaluation and have tried to come up with a theory on why I am so averse to eHarm's pre-written questions and rules. As some of you have read in a previous post, I grew up with very rigid rules and perhaps years of resentment is manifesting itself on eHarm's rigid rules.
I guess the great thing about my perception on eHarm is that because I think it is so impersonal, I find it hard to take anything that happens on there personally (well at least for now).
May you be more patient and open minded when you embark on your very own project eHarm.
I know most of your encouragement for the continuation of project eHarm is mostly for your own entertainment and I'm cool with that. I would do the same.
So, I did it. I joined because Sarah found me a coupon that let me join for about $15 a month for 3 months. I have to admit it feels very strange knowing that people are out there looking at my profile and judging me.
I tried to complete my profile and I am already annoyed with it. I am more skeptical about eHarm's methods more than ever. I feel like I just took a multiple choice test where I questioned every single option, leaving me with a giant headache.
So far, eHarm seems to be highly reductive. As I stated in my previous post, you cannot capture a person by having him or her choose key words. I don't know how eHarm decides why two people are a perfect match.
Below, they ask you to choose 10 of the following things you value. The fact that you are forced to choose only ten really bothers me, but what I find most annoying and kind of hilarious are some of the choices. For example, "Kindness." If I don't pick "kindness," does this mean I prefer someone who is an ass? Someone who likes to kick puppies, punch babies and trip old people? I would think that a trait such as "kindness" would already be a given.
I have skipped this section for the time being because I was getting a headache trying to figure out which ten to choose.
Values
Family
Social Living
Spirituality
Financial
Sexuality
This one is even better. You're suppose to pick 10 traits you cannot stand. Say, I pick the first 10, which are traits I would say most of us would not be able to stand. However, since I can only pick ten, does that mean I am open to someone who is "intolerant," has "poor-hygiene" or my two favorites, "a drugee" and "a racist?" So, you can see my dilemma here.
I do not think it is unreasonable to want to pick more than ten. I believe -- in fact I am sure -- there are men in this world who are not the first ten on the list and are also not intolerant, not a racist, not a drugee and showers and brushes his teeth everyday. If there aren't men like that, then why even bother.
Traits
Values
Before I continue, this needs to be said. There are certain things that I fear as project eHarm continues:
Getting matched up with someone from HS or someone I currently know (as I stated in my previous blog).
Finding no matches and no dates and basically letting me know that I am un-dateable even in the virtual world.
Actually meeting someone and having to tell people at our wedding that we met on eHarmony.
I understand those are pretty contradictory. I can be neurotic like that. As far as I'm concerned, as long as my logic makes sense to me, my sanity is still in tact.
Since I have created a profile, I have gotten 8 matches. None of which has attempted to contact me yet (if they ever do). I finally got to see all of their pictures -- some were surprisingly very good looking. They all seem pretty normal. Their pictures show them doing various things like traveling and one guy even had a picture of him and a paraplegic friend. Do you think that was by chance? Being the cynic that I am, I am sure he used that picture to show us that he is a friend of everyone-- use of legs or not. That doesn't bother me at all. It just shows that he is being strategic -- hey that should be one of the choices for a trait that I value. Unfortunately, it's not.
Of the 8 matches, here's one that caught my attention:
The most important thing he is looking for in a person is:
"Besides commitment I would like to meet someone that likes to change it every now and then. Somebody that likes to travel and learn from other cultures.Somebody that is not racial and wants a family."
I am assuming in that last sentence, he meant somebody that is not racist (instead of racial). I am very tempted to email this guy saying, really that's too bad because I love racists.
