on friends: qualifications

Friends. Friendships. Finding Friends.

This topic has been on my mind for the last couple of months. I recently read this article from the Huffington Post titled, “Making Friends Post 20-Something Is Harder than Meeting a Mate.” The writer moved into a new town with her husband and found it difficult to find friends. Although, I am still living in the same town, I still very much relate to this article. I have close friends with whom I spent a lot of time move away and have found myself with more free time or seeking friendship with new people and it has been a little difficult. Once we graduate college, the harder it is to meet new friends. We are no longer surrounded by thousands of people our age all working towards the same goal. Also, when we get older we have a better sense of who we are and what we want out of life. We have less time (which means less time to spend on other people’s bullsh*t) and we are less willing to compromise. So, rather than just being friends with someone we sat next to in class, the type of person we want to spend our time with becomes more specific. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but when thinking about whom our good friends are or trying to meet new friends, maybe without even realizing it, we have created a “qualifications” list for our friendship. By the way, when I say “good friend,” I mean the type of friend that will stick—a friendship that is suppose to last a lifetime. I’m older now and deep meaningful friendships are the kind I want to have.


So, which brings me to my list (and you know I love lists) of the type of friends and friendships I seek (and it’s a lot like a list of guys I’d want to date).

1.) Someone who can make me laugh.

2.) Someone who I can have really good meaningful conversations with as well as ridiculous shallow conversations.

3.) Someone who is generous in all aspects of their life. I don’t want a friend who is all take and no give and this applies to both monetary and emotional. I don’t want a friend who always lets me pay for things and never offers in return. I don’t want a friend who constantly asks me for favors and does not understand there are limits because I would hope that I don't do the same. I don’t want a friend who unleashes all their emotional burden on me and doesn’t extend the same courtesy of putting up with me when I want to do so. In other words, not selfish. I'm also going to throw in that I don't want to be friends with someone who is only constantly talking about themselves and never asks how I'm doing.

4.) I want a friend who likes to do the same things I do. This doesn’t have to be exact, but it is nice to have a friend who you can hang out with.

5.) Someone who is thoughtful, considerate and is willing to do things out of their convenience to help me because I guarantee you I will do the same for you.

6.) Someone who is willing to tell me the truth about myself even if that’s a truth I don’t want to hear but need to hear. I certainly do not want to be friends with someone who I am afraid to have an opposing opinion around for fears of offending them or having them get angry with me. I want friends with whom I can disagree with. Besides, surrounding myself with people who don't always agree with me is good for me. It offers me persepective.

7.) Someone who will stage an intervention when I’m addicted to meth, heroin, bad men or bad clothes.

8.) Someone who I can fight with and have it all blow over in the end. I think there is something to be said about being angry or annoyed with someone but not having to worry about whether or not they will still love you in the end of your fit of rage. This is how I am with my family. I have the comfort of knowing that I can get so angry with them but I know they will still love me and accept me in the end. That is how I am with them. No grudges.

9.) Someone who will bail me out of jail or help me hide a body when the need arises.

10.) Someone I respect-- and I'm going to get cheesy-- someone who makes me want to be a good friend and overall a better person.

So, you see why it is difficult to find such friends? I've found that numbers 3, 6 and 8 are not particularly easy to find in a person. When I do find friendships that fit these qualifications, I feel like I've hit the jackpot and I willingly work at keeping those friendships because I want them to be lifelong. I’ve always believed that in order to have good people in your life and good friends, you yourself have to be a good friend. Life is too short to waste time on people who are not putting in the same effort into a friendship as you are. I’ve been fortunate enough to have people in my life who meet this list of qualifications and I only hope that I am as good of a friend to them as they have been to me.