the grass is not greener on the other side

I am 31 and single. I have no savings (aside from my 401K), I have a huge pile of student loans from grad school, credit card debt and I do not own a home, I rent an apartment. I am the sole payer of my utility bills, cable and internet. I manage to pay all of my bills though I struggle through some of them, especially when I’ve had a lot of fun that month. At the age of 31 I still have conflicts about whether or not I should buy that plane ticket to visit my friends or use that money to pay down my credit cards. There are times when I’ve had to stretch out my last $20 until pay day because I just spent nearly all of my money on another music festival ticket. In my mid-twenties I thought life was easier for married people and I don’t mean socially but financially because married people had two incomes. Two incomes meant more doors were open: You can afford a home, share household expenses, receive tax breaks, and qualify to purchase a time share*, etc. I was certain that American society had been structured to go against single, young professionals like me. However, now that I am a whole 6 years older, my predilection is shifting in favor of the likes of me—debt and all.

The Grass is not Greener on the Other Side

I’ve engaged in countless conversations with married people enough to know without having been married myself or in their homes, is that one of the biggest causes of stress in their life is financial problems just like single people, so the score is Marrieds: 1 and Singles: 1. I don’t know the exact statistics because I am too lazy to look but I am pretty sure in the top ten reasons why people divorce, financial disagreements is somewhere on the top. I think poor communication is the number one reason and I bet you one of those is poor communication regarding matters of money and spending. From what I can surmise based on my conversations, the cause for tension are the following:

• One spouse is the sole financial provider while the other one stays at home and in some cases they don’t have kids. If the couple is financially struggling, I definitely notice—if it hasn’t been outright expressed to me—resentment towards the non-working spouse.

• One spouse makes more money than the other so that spouse can freely spend money however that person pleases. There is no system of checks and balances and the spending goes out of control.

• The couple differs on money philosophy, one likes to go out and spend money even on friends and other is much more frugal. I’ve seen this cause a huge tension in the relationship.

• There’s a lot of pressure on one spouse because the other has terrible credit and everything has to be in the other spouse’s name.

• One spouse feels guilty or inadequate for not having a job or not being able to contribute enough.

 
My conceptions about married people and finances have been demystified, thanks to all of my married friends, family, co-workers and random strangers I’ve talked to. I know you didn’t mean to, but you did.

Is Marriage for the Financially Irresponsible?

When I think about other people’s financial problems and my own problems, I can’t help but be happy I am not married to that financially irresponsible person or vice versa – that someone isn’t legally tied to me and my bad spending habits. I am an extremely selfish spender. If a dog depended on me for food while I stretched out that last $20 so I could go to Coachella that dog is out of luck. I am terrible at saving money for big things I want to buy or go to. I act impulsively. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I were considering another person. Would I be able to consider the other person and make better decisions? Or will I just resent my husband for keeping me from having fun? Financial responsibility is supposed to be tied to age right? Or maybe that’s what I’ve been led to believe my entire life. Perhaps in my 30s I will grow up and make wiser decisions, or maybe this is just my make. Married people do seem to have more than I do in terms of possessions but I also have freedom to spend my money (or lack of it) however I please, so again, Marrieds: 2 and Singles: 2. Still, I can’t help but wonder, is it better to be married if you have financial problems (the at-least-you’re-not-alone mentality)? Is it better to have someone else to share the blame or in some cases someone else to blame?


Note: This post excludes all of you wealthy people. Keep on living the dream. I’m single and willing to be the beard of wealthy gay man.

Another note: I hope it doesn’t come off as me complaining about my financial situation because I am very aware of the decisions I’ve made. I’ve had a sh*t load of fun making those bad decisions and I would argue my friends who’ve partaken in that have enjoyed it as well. I don’t regret it but be assured I certainly pay for it.

*I once was planning a trip with a friend to stay at one of those Time Share offers and we noticed on the fine print it said you had to be a couple (either married or living together). I mean, how ridiculous is that? What if I could afford the time share with a single income?