everyone is passing me by

I hate-- more like loathe running. I never run and I think people who say they love running and get running highs are confused. What they mean is, they love when they are no longer in the act of running. What they mean is they get a high from ending the grueling and painful act of running. They like that they’ve burned calories and have accomplished something but they do not love the act of running. I never enjoyed running even as a kid-- running without purpose at least. Running to play basketball or tennis or any other sport is fine but running in laps for no reason never made any sense to me. With that said, I agreed to "run" a 5K. I know 5K is only a little over three miles which is for me very doable speed walking. My initial plan was to just walk my way through but my insecurity is nagging at me: What if I am last? I really do not want that to happen. My entire life has been about being in the middle -- mediocre. I realize that sounds incredibly sad but that's pretty much how I've approached everything in life. Being at the "top" of anything or the "best" at something is not important to me but not being at the "bottom" or "last"matters to me a lot. I don't care if I'm not first, I just don't want to be last. So far, this is working for me because it forces me to try to do my best because I don’t know how my best is going to compare to others. I figure if I try as hard as I can, even if it takes me a lot more effort, there’s no way I can be at the bottom. This approach hasn’t failed me yet because I haven’t really truly sucked at anything I set out to do but it’s as if I live my life purposely striving to be mediocre. I love this quote from Margaret Mead (I’m too lazy to look up exactly where it came from but I believe it’s an observation she made while studying indigenous people in some country), “Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.” I love how mediocre is accepted in said society when it is the complete opposite in American culture. There's even a rap song by T.I ( I think, again, I am too lazy to look it up) where the hook goes "I don't want no mediocre" over and over. I hate to break it to T.I. a majority of people in this world is mediocre, like 98% of us. One percent exceptional (the geniuses, the likes of Michael Jordan, Jimmy Hendrix, Bill Gates, etc.) and the other one percent that really truly suck. The rest of us fall in a range of mediocreness.

In my efforts to not be the suckiest runner, I've been trying to go on speed walks/jogs, well I have to work my way up to actual jogging/running pace and not just a "brisk walk" pace. In my first attempt to "train," I went to a nearby park that has a nice dirt trail that loops about one mile. I decided I would speed walk and not think about what everyone else is doing. I put on my headphones and started walking. I figure there'd be some people walking as well. I was wrong. Everyone zoomed by me. First I felt insecure then I saw an old grandma walking and thought, "oh I could pass her up" and I did. Take that grandma.  Running is terrible. I have flat feet so improper shoes can cause a lot of pain not to mention I'm incredibly out of shape and overweight so there are parts of me that jiggle while I run and it's not just my breasts. I've been doing this for about a week now and luckily I've reached Rihanna status and ran out of F*cks to give. I don't care if everyone is passing me by and I don't care what people think about me. I've actually enjoyed working out outside, the walks are great to calm my mind, reduce stress and anxiety naturally and I've actually improved my time. I still hate running while I'm running (for, like the few minutes I actually run) but I do feel like I've accomplished something when I improve my lap time. I'm feeling more confident that I won't finish last but I have a back up plan that involves finding a short cut during the race or having to trip some people even if it's kids.

Here's a view from one of my speedwalk/jogs. Palm tress in NorCal. I think it's funny how people post photos of palm trees to indicate they are in paradise and near a beach as if I should be jealous I'm not there. I'm no where near a beach. Palm trees are even in places you don't want to be at like Baghdad.