my mind is running (pun intended)

I am a hypochondriac or something to that effect. I haven't been officially diagnosed but I was referred to my doctor for anxiety because I kept calling the advice nurse convinced I had a heart problem (heart attack, angina, you name it). After three heart tests (EKG, echocardiogram and a 24 hour heart monitor) it turns out my problems are in my head which is really annoying. Whatever it is, I become overly concerned about any symptoms to the point that it affects me physically and stops me from whatever it is I'm doing.  Now that this has actually affected me in a way that was almost debilitating, it's as if a battle has started between me and this "health anxiety." I haven't seen a professional therapist and I haven't taken any meds. I'm trying to manage it through various things like journaling (including blogging) and exercising more hence the painful attempts at "running" I talked about in my previous post. So far it's been working but to give you an idea of what it's like in my head, here's how my mind can go from zero to one-hundred:

• I notice in one of my "selfies" that my face is really asymmetrical. I know no one's face is symmetrical maybe except Heidi Klum but for some reason today it looks more asymmetrical than usual. I stare at myself in the mirror examining my face.
• Maybe I have a tumor that's causing my right face to look more swollen than the left (or cerebral palsy).
• I get on the internet and type: swollen face on one side and I look through forums, WebMD all suggesting it could be a brain tumor
• I think, my tumor also could be what's always giving me a dull headache and it could be what's giving me anxiety somehow altering the chemicals of my brain. Anxiety is a change in behavior right?
• To rule out the possibility of tumor, I examine old photos of myself to see if my face is asymmetrical in those photos. Yes they are. I feel better but at the same time maybe this tumor is slow growing.
• At this point I'm exhausted and try to go to sleep

This is a true story. This actually happened and it is ridiculous. It's comical but not so comical when it's going on in my head. It's funny when I say or write it out loud because I can see how crazy it is. I'm in the process of trying to figure out what is the root of my sudden (or maybe not sudden) anxiety so I'll save that for another day. 

My plan to try to manage my anxiety includes trying to live a healthier life-- exercise more, eat clean, etc. I figure if I do this, I will be less inclined to conclude there is something seriously physically wrong with me. At the least it would minimize my symptoms of allergies, back aches, prevent high blood pressure (which is prominent in my family) and whatever else comes with getting older and being incredibly out of shape. I am not averse to exercise but my usual routine of getting on my stationary bike hasn't been working that well for me because I'm inside my home where I can stop at any point to look up a symptom on a computer if I start to feel a twinge of pain on my left side (oh no, it's a heart attack!). Being outside has been so much more effective, but it is not without it's crazy person battles. Initially, when I first started working out outside I was worried I might have some kind of allergic reaction since I am always suffering from allergies so I would bring Benedryl in my pocket (which turned into mush by the end of my workout due to my sweaty clothes). I haven't needed to take it-- so far. When I push myself I would stop even though I know I can go more, afraid that I would have an asthma attack even though I don't have asthma. But, I have allergies and people with allergies can develop asthma and are more likely to have asthma (I looked that up on Dr. Google). This is odd because I have done plenty of hard workouts that increase my heart rate and bring pain to my body (like vinyasa yoga) but jogging is very unnatural for me and it's a different kind of pain. The good news is everyday, I'm able to push myself more and more without freaking out. It seems counterintuitive-- go out and do something "painful" when I overreact to any pain I feel in my body. I sometimes have the urge to not do anything that would exert me or potentially cause me discomfort but that is the very thing I want to avoid. 

I would love to be one of those incredibly fit people-- like those who hike Mt. Kilimanjaro, bike across the country or even spend a month roaming around with the Nomads of Mongolia (and that looks like it takes some type of physical endurance). Whenever I see or read about these people, I think -- now that is living. These people are truly living. They aren't cooped up in a house all the time or sitting in front of a computer all day. I hate them and want to be them at the same time. That's kind of how I feel about runners (like marathoners). Somedays I hate them like today I saw a lady smiling as she was running. Seriously, what can she be smiling about while sweating and breathing heavily? Is running like sex for some people instead of torture? Somedays I wish I were them. I see running as the pinnacle for physical fitness and now that I've attempted even just jogging (btw my jogging pace is actually a brisk walk pace for fit people), I am amazed how anyone can run for long distances. I can't even jog a mile without having to walk several times to catch my breath. 

Here's a funny post from The Thought Catalog about running. He is spot on.

"Why I Hate Running" http://thoughtcatalog.com/daniel-stevens/2014/08/why-i-hate-running/