Completing an eHarm profile is like taking a multiple choice exam

I know most of your encouragement for the continuation of project eHarm is mostly for your own entertainment and I'm cool with that. I would do the same.

So, I did it. I joined because Sarah found me a coupon that let me join for about $15 a month for 3 months. I have to admit it feels very strange knowing that people are out there looking at my profile and judging me.

I tried to complete my profile and I am already annoyed with it. I am more skeptical about eHarm's methods more than ever. I feel like I just took a multiple choice test where I questioned every single option, leaving me with a giant headache.

So far, eHarm seems to be highly reductive. As I stated in my previous post, you cannot capture a person by having him or her choose key words. I don't know how eHarm decides why two people are a perfect match.

Below, they ask you to choose 10 of the following things you value. The fact that you are forced to choose only ten really bothers me, but what I find most annoying and kind of hilarious are some of the choices. For example, "Kindness." If I don't pick "kindness," does this mean I prefer someone who is an ass? Someone who likes to kick puppies, punch babies and trip old people? I would think that a trait such as "kindness" would already be a given.

I have skipped this section for the time being because I was getting a headache trying to figure out which ten to choose.

• Chemistry...I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.
• Communicator...I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
• Sense of Humor...I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
• Verbal Intimacy...I must know that my partner is sharing their deepest emotional thoughts and desires.
• Emotionally Healthy...I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy, and able to share a stable life with someone else.
• Strong Character...I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.
• Artistry...I must have a partner who has a passion for music, literature, drama, art, and the finer things in life either as a spectator or participant.
• Education...I must have someone whose educational achievements match my own.
• Exciting...I must have someone who isn't afraid to take a risk and who sees life as an adventure.
• Patience...I must have someone who can handle life's frustrations or momentary setbacks with a patient, steady, demeanor.
• Conflict Resolver...I must have a partner who will work to resolve rather than win arguments or conflicts within our relationship.
• Personal Habits...I must have a partner who maintains high standards of personal hygiene, orderliness, and other personal habits.
• Affectionate...I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
• Energy Level...I must have someone whose energy level matches my own.
• Intellect...I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
• Self-Confident...I must have a partner who knows and believes in himself/herself throughout life's ups and downs.
• Able to Accept Help...I must have a partner who is willing to accept outside help for personal or relationship issues that are serious and important.
• Curiosity...I must have a partner who is hungry for new information and knowledge and who strives to learn as much as possible.
• Adaptability...I must have a partner who is able to adapt to life's surprises.
• Kindness...I must have a partner who is gentle and kind.
• Organized...I must have a partner who values structure in their life.
• Tolerant...I must have a partner who is able to hear and appreciate divergent viewpoints.
• Attractiveness...I must have a partner who is considered "very attractive" by most current standards.
• Industriousness...I must have someone who is willing to work hard at whatever they do.
• Emotionally Generous...I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
• Unassuming...I must have someone who is able to accept criticism, and even admit to being wrong sometimes.
• Loyal...I must have someone I can count on to always support me.

Values

• Family Life...I must have a partner who is committed to marriage, home, and family.
• Style and Appearance...I must have someone who cares about the way they look and dress and has a sense of personal style.
• Shared Politics...I must have someone who has political beliefs which are the same or similar to my own.
• Spirit of Volunteerism...I must have a partner who shares my willingness to volunteer and support community and/or social causes.
• Autonomy...I must have a partner who will give me space to be my own person.
• Shared Interests...I must have someone who is willing to share my interests and passions.

Family

• No Children...I must have someone who shares my desire to not have children.
• Family...I must have someone who shares my desire to have or adopt children.
• Stepchildren...I must have someone who will accept my children as their own.
• Parent Care...I must have someone who is willing to help me take care of my parents, now or when the time comes.
• Parenting Style...I must have someone who shares my views about how to raise children.

Social Living

• Sociability...I must have a partner who loves to socialize with lots of different people.
• Staying In...I must have a partner who mainly enjoys staying in together and having quiet evenings alone or with close friends.

Spirituality

• Spirituality...I must have someone with a similar deep commitment to spirituality, who shares my beliefs.
• Spiritual Acceptance...My partner must accept and respect my spiritual beliefs, whether they share them or not.
• Religious Practice...My partner must be committed to being an active member of a church or temple congregation.

Financial

• Responsible...My partner must be financially responsible.
• Relaxed...I must have a partner who is able to forget about money and focus on the important parts of life.
• Ambition...I must have a partner who shares my desire to achieve high financial and/or career goals.

Sexuality

• Abstinent...I must have a spouse who has saved himself/herself sexually for marriage.
• Sexually Knowledgeable...I must have someone who is mature and experienced as a potential sexual partner and is able to express himself/herself freely.
• Traditional...I must have someone who is reserved and traditional in their sexual needs.
• Passionate...I must have someone who is willing to explore our sexual desires with passion and understanding

This one is even better. You're suppose to pick 10 traits you cannot stand. Say, I pick the first 10, which are traits I would say most of us would not be able to stand. However, since I can only pick ten, does that mean I am open to someone who is "intolerant," has "poor-hygiene" or my two favorites, "a drugee" and "a racist?" So, you can see my dilemma here.

I do not think it is unreasonable to want to pick more than ten. I believe -- in fact I am sure -- there are men in this world who are not the first ten on the list and are also not intolerant, not a racist, not a drugee and showers and brushes his teeth everyday. If there aren't men like that, then why even bother.

Traits

• Vanity...I can't stand someone who is overly interested in their physical appearance.
• Dependence...I can't stand someone who bases their happiness on me.
• Lying...I can't stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
• Cheating...I can't stand someone who takes advantage of people.
• Anger...I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
• Rude...I can't stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
• Unhappy at Work...I can't stand someone who hates their job and complains about it all the time.
• Denial...I can't stand someone who is unable to accept blame or see fault in their own actions.
• Workaholic...I can't stand someone who treats everything in life as secondary to their job.
• Lazy...I can't stand someone who likes to spend excessive time sleeping, resting or being a "couch potato."
• Worrier...I can't stand someone who easily loses perspective and constantly worries.
• Intolerance...While I understand that religious conviction is a positive trait, I can't stand someone who is self-righteous and feels that their particular faith is the only one that matters.
• Victim Mentality...While everyone has times of self-pity, I can't stand someone who continually sees himself/herself as a victim.
• Grudges...I can't stand someone who has a chip on their shoulder.
• Mean Spirited...I can't stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
• Fiscally Irresponsible...I can't stand someone who is incapable of managing their money.
• Hypochondriac...I can't stand someone who has a general disposition of sickness and is constantly treating the symptoms of their supposed illness.
• Excessive Overweight...I can't stand someone who is overweight.
• Gambling...I can't stand someone who gambles.
• Intruding Family/Friends...I can't stand someone whose relatives and friends are constantly calling or visiting.
• Depressed...I can't stand someone who is constantly unhappy about their life.
• Cynicism...I can't stand someone who generally sees the world from a cynical perspective.
• Self-Centered...I can't stand someone whose main topic of conversation is himself/herself.
• Materialistic...I can't stand someone who sees material items as a measure of success.
• Childishness...I can't stand someone who is not emotionally mature.
• Petty...I can't stand someone who focuses on imperfection.
• Boorishness...I can't stand someone who is inclined to rowdy, vulgar or disrespectful behavior when "having fun."
• Drugs...I can't stand someone who uses illegal recreational drugs.

Values

• Flirts...I can't stand someone who constantly flirts with the opposite sex.
• Television Junkie...I can't stand someone who constantly watches television.
• Poor Hygiene...I can't stand someone who is not clean.
• Gossip...I can't stand someone who loves to talk about other people.
• Judgmental...I can't stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.
• Addictions...I can't stand someone who currently suffers from addictions.
• Undependable...I can't stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.
• Foul Mouthed...I can't stand someone who swears or uses inappropriate language or humor.
• Extremely Shy...I can't stand someone who is so shy that they cannot open up and share with me.
• Political Correctness...I can't stand someone who censors their thoughts and opinions with a politically correct agenda.
• Recklessness...I can't stand someone who has a careless and irresponsible manner when with others.
• Sexually Obsessed...I can't stand someone who is sexually obsessive.
• Uninterested...I can't stand someone who does not enjoy having sex on a regular basis.
• Infidelity...I can't stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
• Punctuality...I can't stand someone who is always late.
• Racist...I can't stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
• Hypocrites...I can't stand someone who holds a double standard for their actions and those of other people.
• Pornography...I can't stand someone who views or owns pornography in any form.
• Sloppy...I can't stand someone who is unkempt.
• Cheap...I can't stand someone who is so tightfisted as to be impractical.
• Arrogant...I can't stand someone who is obnoxiously cocky.
• Pessimism...I can't stand someone who always sees the glass as half empty.

Before I continue, this needs to be said. There are certain things that I fear as project eHarm continues:

1. Getting matched up with someone from HS or someone I currently know (as I stated in my previous blog).
2. Finding no matches and no dates and basically letting me know that I am un-dateable even in the virtual world.
3. Actually meeting someone and having to tell people at our wedding that we met on eHarmony.

I understand those are pretty contradictory. I can be neurotic like that. As far as I'm concerned, as long as my logic makes sense to me, my sanity is still in tact.

Since I have created a profile, I have gotten 8 matches. None of which has attempted to contact me yet (if they ever do). I finally got to see all of their pictures -- some were surprisingly very good looking. They all seem pretty normal. Their pictures show them doing various things like traveling and one guy even had a picture of him and a paraplegic friend. Do you think that was by chance? Being the cynic that I am, I am sure he used that picture to show us that he is a friend of everyone-- use of legs or not. That doesn't bother me at all. It just shows that he is being strategic -- hey that should be one of the choices for a trait that I value. Unfortunately, it's not.

Of the 8 matches, here's one that caught my attention:

The most important thing he is looking for in a person is:

"Besides commitment I would like to meet someone that likes to change it every now and then. Somebody that likes to travel and learn from other cultures.Somebody that is not racial and wants a family."


I am assuming in that last sentence, he meant somebody that is not racist (instead of racial). I am very tempted to email this guy saying, really that's too bad because I love racists.